12 year old's ADD/ODD BHVR

[Betht]

Help!I am a single div. Mom of 2 boys,12&14, w/limited means. My youngest is ADD/ODD, and deilights in starting fights,pushing buttons, going after others,getting into trouble at school. He got stabbed twice by another ^th grdr. at shool once in the forearm and then in the shoulder/lower chest area, with a wood pencil.I havebeen a stay at home parent for all of his yearsHe says he is my joband my life. it breaks my heart. I don't understand where he's coming from. He's started fires, lies , took 725$ from Grma's purse in 2 raids
I am sick about it. He seems to have no conscience,and i am afraid he will wind up in jail. It's not fair 2 anyone in the house,esp. my oldest. It's constant push. I'm worn out,exhausted, frustrated, heartbroken. We're very limited fro doing anything to him, because he threatens to call police and Soc. Services on anything, and also looks you straight in the eyes and lies. Help'anyone? betht

[ljhannah]

Well my son is adhd with odd, so I know how hard it can be. first I want to ask if he is on meds. and if so what kind some time the meds can make behavior worse, so its a must to keep your doc. informed.
Also, if your a single mom and daddy is not helping look into fl. kid care, it is an insurance for kids only and cost is a sliding scale. Also the HRS office will hunt him down for his child support, if you aply there. they will take his wadges and tax return until he is cought up.
Just a tough love hint next time he threatens to call the cops or child services do it for him, they are on your side not his, and fyi spanking is not against the law, so dont let him try and use that. We (my hubby and I) went so far as to take our 11 year old son to the jail house for a visit, the police where great and we scared some respect right into him. just be strong and let him know no matter what, you ARE in charge! One thing I have learned is once a child thinks he can control you it's all down hill from there!

[Betht]

Hi. Thanks for your input. Happy 4th. Sunny days, and keep your head up. hannah. He was on meds.They do not want him on meds during the Summer, and he doesn't want to take them, at all. Phys., he's almost as big as I am. He feels like he shouldn't have to help w/the phys. related expenses, glasses, meds, the uncovereds, like dental, too. I'm going to see if we qualify for the state Ins. Glad that you have someone to help you with your son. I've been hearing bits and pieces on the radio about a new beh. prog. that is "supposed to work miracles." Does anybody know what it is? And is your son taking anything that relates to the ODD?The ODD is alot harder to deal with than the AADD. For some reason, part of my message went to the top, so very sorry, ljhannah. betht

[ljhannah]

Reading back over my post it sounds a little harsh! I do have help, not only with my hubby but also a family of overly helpful in laws. lol

No my son is not on any meds they don't help him, they only made it worse. He is homeschooled because of it but that is also something I can do because of hubby.

My son is now taller then me at age 12, but he only tried to got physical with me once and I called him on it he reluctantly backed down, but I do know some kids might not have. Maybe what he needs is a good out let. If "Dad" is unwilling to step up try a big brother program, where they pair a so called troubled youth with an older brother. I know my son always responds better when he has some one to please, and he knows he is doing some thing right or at least better.

For you I would try and find a local support group, just to have people who have been there and can give better advice. Either a single parent group or a ADHD group. Or even a local hotline for the really trying times. Ask your doc. about some near you I'm sure he/she would have a list.

Until then good luck!

[Betht]

No, I hadn't thought of anything being environmentally che. related, but I have wondered if it could be genetic. I have major depression His Dad does not believe in "Shrinks", but I have suspected something possibly similar for him also, Majorly wonder if that would mean that G. has to deal with the chem.imbal. issue, too? G. has this "i am your master, I am the master of the world thing going. I get really frustrated because I am not getting through. Over $100 has disappeared from Mom's purse again. We don't know who. but they are retired, and can't afford it. hannah, and lynngrdn, thanks for your replies.

[Betht]

Thank you, Earl, for your input. We don't have the access for finances for drugs. From long term observations, I would have a tendency to think it would probably be naturally biologicly related- I am thinking possibly bipolar.

[starrsemp]

I have a 10 year old daughter that has ADHD. I completely understand the frustration that goes along with this. At ten she stands 5ft tall and weighs 110 lbs . When she would get angry it tended to get a little scary. I did some research and found that certain foods and chemicals can contribute to a child's behavior. I didn't like her to be medicated so I made some changes in my home that have made a huge difference.
1- I converted to all natural cleaning products.

2- I removed all sugar and caffeine from her diet along with processed foods and foods high in sodium

3- I plan every minute of her day down to the time that she brushes her teeth every day. this gives her consistency and comfort.

4- I make sure that she understands that I am the parent and she is the child.

It took about 4-6 months for us to convert to this but i have to tell you that it has made a workd of difference in our house. Also I would not hesitate to take a trip to your local police station for the stealing and the fighting and show them exactly where they are headed and that all actions have consequences. I hope that some of this info helps.

If your are interested in learning how to convert your home email me at starrsemp@gmail.com

[starrsemp]

Betht- PLEASE PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE RANTS OF THE IGNORANT. IT IS VERY HARD TO REACH OUT AND ASK FOR HELP. THOSE OF US WHO DON'T HAVE ANY USEFUL INFORMATION SHOULD TAKE A CLASS AND FIND SOME ---^ BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!

[Betht]

Dear Earl:
My life isn't an easy one, it can be very difficult, and often is. I do not feel that I am stupid, I am above average intelligence, and, am actually quite bright. I really appreciate the informative points of view. I was disturbed by your comments, I do not feel they were wuarranted, nor deserved. if you do things that make the world brighter 4 others, God Bless You, as in Star's case, and my thanks also go out to the others who have given me so much info, and positive direction and hope. Earl, when I say my prayers, you will be included. And by the way, when someone is drowning, you throw them a rope, you don't castigate them for being unfortunate enough to be there. As far as my son, I do realize that some compassion for him might be needed as well.. I am not stupid, but I am bipolar, and my exh. has issues,also. These are chemical imbalances caused by your body in the first place. These are also thought to be inherited, so some of this might be either something that makes his beh. worse, or that he can't get a thumb on. I sure don't approve of his behavior, but neither can I make a snap decision on unfounded evidence. Earl, my hope for you is that none of your close family are ever unfortunate to have this. Again, to all of the others who have been so great, God bless, and thank you, Keep your heads up when it starts to get 2 you. Betht

[sheri.krizka]

I was looking over the post on this subject about a child w/ issues.
This is just my opinion and advice and i hope it can help.
1st you need to step out of the box and look inward and at the home environment your child is in.
Evaluate it and make a list of changes needed. Do not look at it as a quick fix or as a mother that makes excuses for behavior.
You need to give him limits and if he ignores those limits then find a punishment appropriate to his crime.
No matter how small the infraction do not give an inch. His behavior as it seems has become unexcusable and looks like tough love is in order.
Being Fair, Firm, and Consistant is KEY.
Consistancy is (in my opinion) the most important.
For Example: A child touches something on the table you tell him/her no at 2pm then he/she touches it again at 3pm and you say no don't touch. then and hour later that child touches it in you sight and you ignore it. That child has tested a limit and you let it happen. It is now not that childs fault it is yours. You sent mixed messages by not correcting it consistantly.
This was just an example not literal.
Take him to your local jail and let him see what goes on there. If he has become violent I suggest getting the police involved and maybe a weekend in juevenile when he steals again might wake him up.
ADD/ADHD can not be allowed to be his excuse and if you allow that to be the cause for his behavior he will be crippled for the rest of his life.
He chooses to act out badly not his illness.
If you continue to allow ADD/ADHD to be the excuse for his behavior you are at fault for his behavior not him.
Don't allow him to rule you. YOU are the parent and YOU decide what he can or cannot do.
Sheri

[Betht]

Hey, Earl, our income is around $650 a month, which is terribly tight. Is there a place to go to be tested for free? If there was, and irt would make you happy, I would. As to what several of these ladies have said, it makes alot of sense, and is there any way to use the Pub.Lib.INET System to copy it, so I could have it at home? Can anyone tell me? Thanks, Beth

[KIJIJI-JOJO]

With your income I would apply for the kids healthcare program you will get it for free. Take him to the doctor and have him evaluated; this way he can get the medication he needs. If he becomes violent in any way call the police I know its hard because its your child and no one wants to do that; but in a case of violent episodes you have too. They will also drug test him if you feel he is on any..most kids that age are into drinking and smoking pot, not crack! Which if he is doing these and has a chemical in-balance it doesn't help.

[Smurfette55]

Most kids with ADD/ADHD are a hand full....
And most parents are becoming more stressed and having heart illness because of ADD...., especially single parents.
I believe that eating habits should be changed. Sounds crazy but true....
There is a major imbalance when junk food can contribute to many misbehavior. All that sugar, like a 64oz Jug of Cola or other artificial flavors can cause your child to grow in great rage.
Yes, Drug can do much damages as well, but food too has a big impact to a child mind.
Pay attention to what he eats. Most parents become careless of there eating habits and are too busy focusing on the problem(ADD/ADHD and all other misleading behaviors)....So How do you handle a kid with ADD? LOTS of LOVE....

[Betht]

He has really gone downhill over the summer. Won't do his simple chores, has an argumentative opinion on everything that I say, is ornery, is already getting into trouble again at sl.,Recommended that he go into a DAY TREATMENT PROGRAM. Won't flush toilet, doesn't want 2 bathe, writes on body, clothes, walls, takes stuff. Thinks he should be entitled to the Master bedroom, my queen bed, etc. I am very frustrated, and sad. Have also been having health issues, I am so tired and draggy, that I am afraid it might very possibly be cancer. betht

[sheri.krizka]

Ok Look.
You may just have to go strickly tough love on him. Warn him once what you are about to do and if he continues after the warning follow through with it.
Take everything away.
You only have to provide food, a bed, and clothing. Take everything else away.
Clean out his bedroom. No TV. No toys. No games. No decoration. Nothing but a Bed in his room. When he comes home from school send him to his room keep him there until time to eat and then send him back. Allow him his school books and AR books if required in his grade. No friends over no staying with friends. No playing outside. Nothing for him to have fun with.

Explain to him that everything else is a privilege and he has to earn things back. And just one or two times of behaving right is not earning it back. Over time if he does as he should then give him one thing back at a time. And continue to give it back until he misbehaves again. Every time he misbehaves take it ALL away again. Make him earn it back with behavior.

This will be HELL the first couple of weeks but if you are stern and consistant with it and follow through I can guarentee you that life will be much easier once he realizes you mean business.

Can't hurt to try it.